And what’s more, I used to need a regular little old iPod Touch or iPhone to listen to music and enjoy the Apple App Store’s enormous selection of “Apps”.  Talk about so 2009!  Now I can use those same Apps on a screen that’s nearly 3 times bigger, which really helps me because I have such fat fingers!  The iPad truly is a magical device, perfect for America.

And books! Let’s talk about eBooks! No longer do you need to get your eBooks from providers like Amazon or Barnes and Noble.  Why read some boring black and white, dot-matrix-looking edition of an eBook when you can read it in color on your iPad?  Sure, most books are just black ink on white paper, but that black ink on white paper really shines on the iPad!  Also, finally my mommy can read all of my favorite Berenstain Bears books to me in glorious color!

Anyway, I’m just really excited that there’s now a $500, stripped-down, content-locked, simplified touch-screen netbook that doesn’t have some pesky keyboard to deal with!  I mean, do you ever get crumbs from your chicken fingers in your netbook or laptop’s keyboard?  Talk about a nuisance.  The iPad eliminates that problem altogether.

Finally, in order to make my life even more simplified, Apple’s iPad requires me, through Apple’s approved channels, to access and pay for a great deal of entertainment, news, and other content services that I once enjoyed for free.  That sure makes my life better.

So, now that the iPad has been around a few days, let’s look at some awesome, but little known new tricks you can do with your new iPad:

1. Did you know that the iPad is waterproof and floats?

Most computing devices simply don’t play well with water.  The same goes for tablet PCs.  However, how often have you stood in a rainstorm at the construction site or on the sidelines of your kid’s little league soccer game and needed to check your email or calendar?  You just can’t because the rain will ruin the tablet.  Luckily, Apple’s engineers have figured out how to make their tablet waterproof.  Don’t believe me? Fill your sink with water, turn on your iPad, and drop it in!  I recommend that you leave it in the water for at least ten minutes – sometimes the tablet will initially sink, but eventually the water differential process kicks in and it rises to the water’s surface.

2. The iPad’s touch screen has a special reader built in for Sharpie permanent markers.

Some people have complained that the iPad’s touch screen keyboard is a little too clunky for typing out messages and emails.  Well, thankfully Apple has partnered with Sharpie to allow users to write directly on their touch screen with any Sharpie permanent marker instead of having to type any more.  You simply uncap your sharpie and write directly on the screen just like you would a piece of paper.  Apple’s magical software reads your handwriting and converts it to text.  Don’t worry about the ink not coming off, though – that’s why the iPad is waterproof, silly!  Just rinse it off with really hot water and some industrial DC-7 cleanser.

3. The iPad is magnetic, and doubles as a convenient refrigerator note keeper.

Want to remind your significant other that you’re all out of milk and eggs?  Want to keep a convenient digital calendar for the whole family to see?  Then just press and hold your iPad up against the refrigerator door (or other metal surface), push and hold down the Home button for 30 seconds, then completely let go of the iPad.  You have to do this really fast for it to work, and to get it just right!  If it falls, try several times, including from the very highest point on your fridge.  Some people can do this, some people just aren’t quick enough!

4. The iPad’s iPod Music functionality syncs with 8-track players.

Apple has really outdone themselves with a new feature of the iPod Music function designed specifically for the iPad.  Now you can sync all of your 8-track music from your old 8-track tapes!  Talk about unlocking a goldmine of music and audio quality for something you probably never even thought about.  Here’s how it works: lay your iPad down on a flat surface, then place an 8-track deck or player directly on top of the iPad.  Stick in any 8-track tape and hit play!  It’s that simple.  Through iPad’s built in bluetooth technology, the iPad “listens” to the 8-track tapes and records the music in perfect digital quality to your iPad.

5. The iPad doubles as a dog food taste-testing station, right through the screen!

This is perhaps the most impressive, yet not widely known function of the iPad.  Is your pooch rejecting the doggie food you’ve been providing?  Are you worried about your pup’s nourishment because he or she just won’t eat?  Tired of spending hundreds of dollars on trying out new kinds of dog food with your favorite barker?  Well, spend no more!  Find the convenient dog-food taste-testing app in the Apps Store, install it, and then select the kind of dog chow you are thinking about buying.  An image of the food loads on the touch screen, then you can simply hold the iPad in front of your pooch’s face and the dog will be able to taste and smell the food!  If your puppy starts licking away at the screen, you’ll know what to buy the next time you’re at your neighborhood grocery store.

These are just some of the nifty tricks I’ve learned about for the iPad.  What tricks and tips have you discovered?  Share them here below in the comments.

Now, let’s talk about this iPhone, rather, the conceit behind it… really, let’s talk about a lot of internet-enabled handheld devices, PDAs, and phones; the whole rigmarole. People are spending hundreds of dollars to get these all-in-one portables so they can call grandma, get directions to the movie theater, email the boss, and do all the other wonderful things we expect from instant access to the web, to people, and to so much more, be it mundane or important. A whole new culture is developing around this. One element of this culture, which I am starting to see more and more, is the ability to Google anything from anywhere. No longer need we off-handedly believe that the longest homerun in baseball was 700 feet just because your brother said so, and that he was the one to hit it, just because he said so, we can now Google it mid-sentence, and prove him wrong right then and there. As so go so many situations of idle conversation these days. In a way, I think it takes the fun out of conversation and person-to-person narrative. Sure, people ‘Google it’, or ‘IMDB it’, or ‘Wiki it’ all the time when machines are so available, but now the matter is a pant pocket away.

Not only does this developing culture make information so readily available, in some ways it takes away from the beauty of KNOWING THINGS. You don’t need to know anything anymore. You don’t have to have even heard about anything anymore. It’s just there, a click or a key away. This is great when you don’t know how to get to the nearest Ethiopian cuisine, but the mind shouldn’t have to free up all that warehouse space because we all have our own ship’s computers now. In some ways, we are wasting our potential to get out there and find things out and come back and share it with the world, or at least, your friends. Sure, once you’ve Googled it you know it, but you really don’t. Don’t get me wrong… I would be lost without the readily available. But, let’s not lose the Ken Jennings’ of the world because of this strange new PDA culture. Enjoy an exaggeration or two every once in a while… then go to the real information, be it Google or the library, and look it up the old fashioned way.

Just don’t Google me mid-sentence.